I Am What I Am!!

Hi everyone, I hope you're all doing well. It's a bit shocking that this is my first post of 2017 and it bloody March!! 😮 My wee blog has been fairly quiet lately to say the least but I felt I had no words to say or share. I'm not even sure if I have any now. Sure we'll give it a go....

 Its not that I've not been writing away lately because I have, I Just haven't posted anything as things haven't been to great. That may be an understatement to say the least. I will go into more detail in this post but I've basically decided to trust the timing of my life. I can't take it personally or blame myself for the way my mind works. I think I've finally realised that I need to take each day as it comes and trust that things can get better. 

People look forward to a new year in the hope that things will improve and it will be the best year they have ever lived. On the 31st of December I was most definitely one of those people (Dec' 2016 was a bad month). I had my hopes and dreams for 2017 all ready to be achieved. Little did I know 10 days into a fresh start the photo below would be taken of me. Location: Letterkenny Psychiatric Unit

Now I know what your all thinking, "look at the state a them roots" shocking I know!! 🙈 I admitted myself to the unit for the simple reason I had an Emotional Nervous Breakdown, Am I embarrassed? absolutely not.

I knew I needed to get serious help, I was in such a bad way. I often look back at this picture for the simple reason that bar a scratch on my forehead and puffy skin, I'm still me and I still look the exact same. Mental Health conditions do not have a certain image, all of us suffer just some worse than others. The stigma is still as bad as ever. It was a variety of different things in my life that led me to hit rock bottom some very personal that I'd rather not mention so publicly. 

As I said earlier the end of 2016 was one of the worse times I've ever had. Everyday I put on a fake smile, pretended everything was fine and got on with things. Quite simply the one thing so many people do each day. It is the worse thing in the world you can do. That day in January it all started with an argument and I cried. The only difference to any other time was that I couldn't stop. I tried so hard but everything that had built up in me just needed to get out. The scary thing was I wanted to get out. I hated myself so much I didn't want to be in this world. Now I've felt that way before but never as strongly. I knew I needed help and fast. Which made me cry more and feel so ashamed that I was at what I thought was a last resort admitting myself to a psychiatric hospital. It was definitely one of the best thing I could do for myself.
I stayed in hospital for 5 days, I learnt a lot about myself and how to deal with my feelings. I was monitored closely and my medication was changed for the better. 

The image I had in my head, which I'm sure a lot of people have of a psychiatric unit was scary and i was judgemental of them. In a very strange way I actually felt at peace in there. Everything was out in the open and honest. All patients had similar issues so mental health talk was not spoken in a whisper, medication was not secretive and nobody judged the person beside them. 

Its been some time now I've been home and back to the day to day of my mad life with my girls. Are things perfect and all honky dory? Absolutely not! Will They Ever be? Possibly not, I just don't know. What I do know is that I am not ashamed that I suffer live with depression. I still have fun and I still laugh. I've made so many small changes to my life lately and I hope they are for the best. I'm not being selfish by making these changes, I'm simply just living.. Okay maybe I am being selfish, but its needed sometimes. 

So there ye have it, for someone who didn't have much to say I can fairly ramble on. All I can say to you all now is be selfish, put your own needs first every now and then. Ignore the negative nellys, who drain the life outta you. Just be you, if you need a wee tablet and a chat every now and then with a therapist so bloody what. Its your life, you are your own number 1 supporter. So Whoopee Go You! You Rock!! 😎 

As Always,
Stay Safe, Stay Healthy & Look After Your Sunshine.

xO Leonie

I'm Going Through Changes 😀

Hello everyone, I hope you're all doing well. I honestly can't believe that it's been three months since my last update on the page!! I can't exactly explain why I decided to take a break from the blog, it just happened naturally and I'm kind of glad I did. Not much has been happening the past few months although I have made a few changes to my life and I can definitely see that it's helping me.  Slowly but surely. Now the changes are nothing too major, in fact I should really call them little tweeks. So my little tweeks are so simple and things I should have done so long ago.

As we all know if you find yourself in a negative situation the best thing to do is to turn it into a positive one. Easy enough right? Aaagghhhmmm Nope! Maybe the very odd time but not if it is happening constantly. Putting up with people or situations that make you feel so crappy is just exghusting. There is no point whatsoever. I personally have just decided to remove myself from a few of these situations that I was dealing with. It has definitely made small changes to me. For a while my  days were just full of stress and then bad decision making due to being stressed. It was a never ending circle.

Thankfully, I decided to also make some much needed changes to my health and it's looking to be one of the best choices I've made. I've been more positive and I'm excited to say I have been noticing more genuine laughter in my life. Such a silly thing to be excited about but there is no better feeling than noticing little snippets of your old self again. I'f I get permission I will do a more detailed post on what I've been up to in the next few weeks..

Overall I'm happy and content with where I'm at right now in my life. Will it keep improving? I sure hope so but we never know, do we? My days are still filled with highs and lows. No day is perfect and I don't expect them to be not with my two girlies who love a bit of mischief or should I say a lot of mischief. My aim right now is for my lows to be not so low and for my highs to be that little bit higher.. 

As always,

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.

xO Leonie

Just A Note x

 There's an ache in my chest it feels heavy, my hearts like a drum, my body's trembling, the butterflies in my stomach feel like they are carrying weights, my heads dizzy and light, I'm numb and weak. I wish these feelings are because I'm about to do something fun like a skydive or a bungee jump, unfortunately I'm not and this is a daily occurrence for me. Its not always easy for me to explain my personal mental health issues because I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will.

Its been a long while since I've wrote on here and I'm still not to sure if I've got to much to say. I didn't even realize that its been a year since I wrote my first blog post so I thought I would try get a few words together. Unfortunately I wouldn't exactly say I've made any dramatic improvement in the last year but I still struggle on, trying not to let my depression rule my whole life and that to me is an improvement at least. 

I always say that I'm sorry for the lack of ramblings on my blog sometimes and I truly am sorry. I struggle to write when my mood is at its lowest, at times I think this makes me fail as a blogger and well maybe it does. For me personally I don't want to add extra pressure to myself by having blog post deadlines. I started my blog to raise awareness, to help myself and to help others. That was and still is my main goal. 

Thank you all so much for your support over the past year, it means the world and more to me. x

I hope to be back on chatting to you all soon. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.  

 xO Leonie

Get The Right Support!

Hello there, how are you feeling? Things are pretty much the same with me, no major changes to report. I'm not letting that get me down though, as I'm very aware that it's an ongoing battle and will not be fixed in a few days.

Today this blog post is going to be about support networks that are available to each and every person who is living with a mental health issue or anyone who is currently feeling a little lost. To be honest I know for a fact that my support network will not suit everyone, its not meant to and that's okay. Your support network is exactly that, YOURS! Find people or things that make you feel better also try to avoid negative people and things. (not always easy I know) Here's a list of mine:

FAMILY

Thankfully my family are very understanding with me, if I want to talk about how I'm feeling I know they are there. I don't really confide in my family and they tend to find out about my mental health journey through the blog. Its suits me far better this way believe it or not. I know each and every one of them are there if I ever need them. 

So clearly still family I have to mention the hubs and my girls. I confide in my husband a lot and thankfully he never judges me for the way i feel. When he doesn't have the answers I need, there is always a cuddle and a cuppa to make me feel a bit better. Now my girls, honestly they make life hectic with their crazy wee ways and I never go a day not laughing my head off at them. Each day they give me enough kisses and hugs to last a lifetime. They are my sunshine!!

FRIENDS

I for one don't mind saying that I do not have a large group of friends and honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. The close knit of friends I do have are so very precious to me and have supported me so much for the last few years. Proper real friends are not easy to find. The friends that stand by you in hard times as well as good times are the ones you need and will help you so much more. Knowing you have the support from people who are not your family and are willing to listen to your troubles is PRICELESS!! They are there for you because they want to be!!

DOCTORS

Anything you say to your doctor is in private, there is no judgement from them and they can help you so much. Even if your only feeling a little lost, talk to your doctor because they can only advise you if they know something is wrong and trust me they CAN help. I have a lot to thank my doctor for, I was put on the correct medication and referred to a mental health professional. If I remained ashamed of how I was feeling and didn't go see my doctor years ago, I can honestly say I don't think I'd be here today. There is not a thing to be ashamed about. Its okay not to be okay!!! 

MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS

Now these people have no easy job but it is also no easy job finding the right one for YOU. I could give you the name of mine but its no good it really is trial and error. I honestly think you need to personally connect and feel completely comfortable with your counselor etc. I literally got it third time lucky. The first two counselors I had, were no doubt about it good at their job and unfortunately the connection wasn't there. I lied to them about how I was feeling or they said something to me and I would think how F#*king dare you. This is completely wrong and you should ask to be referred to another. This is your mental health so make sure you get it right.  

STRANGERS

Now I know what your thinking, (WTF) but hear me out. 

Have you ever been walking down the street and a stranger gives you a smile, says good morning etc. Well this is what I mean and I know I'm a rare being. But there is one stranger who helped me on a day I was really low and it meant the world to me. I was in a shop and got chatting to a woman. It was about nothing in particular, the usual weather, xmas, kids etc as I was about to leave the woman told me to please take care of myself then reached over and gave me a hug!! Usually I'd be a bit freaked out with stranger hugs but that day when I looked completely worn out and like crap, that glamorous stranger made me change my mind. So always be kind and smile you don't know who you could help.

Books/Kindle

I bet my husband is rolling his eyes at this one! HA! 

This is my go-to support network. I love love love reading. If its not a magazine or a book then its some device with the kindle app downloaded to it. Reading for me helps me escape for a bit and it helps me relax. I would much rather cosy up with a book than watch tv. It keeps your mind active and is said to reduce stress. So why would you not want to read every day?

CHOCOLATE

I don't think i need to explain much more.. x

I really hope each one of you have a support network of your own as it makes a massive difference to your day to day life. Feel free to message me with any questions you have. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.

xO Leonie 

Sometimes We Stumble Backwards!

Hello everyone, I really hope you weren't holding your breath waiting on my next blog post!

I know how much of a disaster I am at keeping the blog constantly updated and as per usual I've no excuse. I've definitely been busy but at nothing in particular, mainly life, my girls, hubby, work, being lazy and far too much online shopping. 

I didn't mean to take a wee break from writing and I can honestly say its done me no good at all. Its far easier for me to cope with my mind when I'm jotting my daily thoughts and goings on down. I personally feel over the last month or so I've taken a huge leap back in my battle with depression. (see I've told nobody that but i can write it ok, strange doll I am) I don't know why I've ended up feeling this way again but I don't intend on staying like it. Thankfully I'm due to go back to see my counselor in the next few weeks, so I'm on the right track at least.

I did noticed a few signs of my mental health getting worse, but the thing with depression is that it creeps up on you over days, weeks and months. Then before you know it the negative thoughts outweigh the positive thoughts, the bad days are more often than the good days and BOOM your in a slump. I wish I could sleep through it all and we all know that's not how life works. 

Hopefully the next time I'm chatting to you all things will be more positive and upbeat. Also I really mean it the next post wont be as delayed as this one. Remember look after yourself and keep smiling! 

Stay safe, Stay healthy and look after your sunshine.

xO Leonie

Making Changes

Hello everyone, I'm sorry I've been quiet on the blog recently, I have had plenty that I want to say and write about so I've honestly no excuse. This post is mainly a wee catch up, to let you's all know what I've been up to and where I am on my mental health journey. As always Thank you for being so patient with me.

Life has definitly been busy as of late and all for a good reason. I made the decision several weeks ago to return to work after nearly two years being a full time mummy. So the plan was to get a wee part time job to get me out of a rut, as i was falling into too many bad habbits and dare i say it getting a tad lazy. So routine was my main goal and I've ended up with a jammed packed routine. Along with my blog and my most important Mammy duties, i have ended up with not one but two part-time jobs. I can honestly say Im loving being back working as I feel it gives me a far better balance. Being a stay at home mum was so much fun but for me personally it was not without its struggles. In saying that we still have our struggles whether im at work or not, so i guess thats life. 

One thing i really notice since returning to work is the increase in my good moods and I honestly think its down to being out and about and chatting to different people. Not that i dont enjoy the chats I have with Miley and Kaelyn, but baby/toddler chat from 7am to 8pm is exghausting. Especially considering they tend to repeat themselves a million times. I found when John came home from work I dreaded the "what did you get up to today" question. It was getting to the stage that everyday my response was the same. Now dont get me wrong, I love chatting about my kids and the crazy things they get up to. But I was loosing my life in my kids life. Nothing wrong with that, I know and I hope Im not classed as a bad Mother because i needed to find a little piece of myself again.  I read a quote recently and it is so simple and effective to this topic. It is,

"Never Be To Busy Being Mummy and Daddy, That You Forget To Be Husband And Wife." 

I now have plenty going on in my day to day life, that I no longer fear being asked what i got up to. Days are an awful lot busier but i find we are in a better routine with having places to be and things to do. Thankfully I don't feel that the girls are anyway affected by my return to work. 

Now my own mental health has certainly taking a few to many beatings over the last few months and  I wish I knew the reason for it. If my mental health journey was an actual roadtrip journey, I'd say at least 90% of the time I'd have my head stuck in a map at the side of the road while selotaping my sat-nav back together. I just felt lost. My mind was lost. Things have definitly improved, some days are good and some are bad. I guess thats what having depression is like though, you wake up in the morning and you literally dont know what your mind has in store for you.

I have always remained positive that some day i will beat depression and no longer rely on medication. However lately I fear that I will live with this forever and surprisinly it doesnt scare me half as much as it should. If I remain positive the good days will take over the bad and when the bad days appear I will learn that good shall follow. Depression has not destroyed my life and It never will. If depression stays with me forever thats fine, im not afraid! If I get rid of depression entirely, that's fine too I for sure wont be missing it.

Im not going to make a promise that i have more regular posts up but i really do intend on setting time aside to have one up weekly for you all. Keep your wonderful messages coming as I love reading them all and helping you in anyway I can. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.

xO Leonie

Just a wee note...

Hello, I really hope your doing ok. 

This is just a wee short note.. Now one thing I always have said is if anyone who has any dealing with me needs patience, I don't always open up and tell the truth and some days I literally don't feel like speaking. More times than enough it comes across as being rude and well it probably is. I'm sorry but that's me. As my reader you also have to have patience because somedays I just can't find the words. They may be in my head but like a lot of things its not easy to get them out. I still struggle to get a blog post published when my mood is low and I also struggle when I'm in fantastic form. It confuses me no end but sure ain't that life!! I am sorry for the lack of posts of late but life has been busy, with plenty of struggles along the way and I hope to get you all up to date soon. Thank you all for your patience and continued support. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine..